Exposed, Uncovered and Unnoticed – My Fight Against Depression

It’s interesting how you can be going through life and think you are fine. Then out of now where life smacks you with an unforeseen trail. So hard that it sometimes knocks you off your feet; emotional wounds that you thought you got over; other hurts that never healed properly; words that were said that dug deep and clung to your soul; feelings of vulnerability that you masked thinking you were in an effort to cope with what you were facing; disappointment because you gave so much and got little in return; your feelings of undervalue and un-appreciation surface. Yet you keep going, you keep going but do not realize that you are driving straight towards a nervous breakdown. You are being of support to everyone around you but realize even the people that you support wholeheartedly don’t notice that you are cracking. When you finally reach out for help, you pour out part of your bruised heart then SILENCE…SILENCE… and more SILENCE. You stop and ask yourself who are you giving to? Would
that be your response? If someone said they were losing it… they were spiraling out of control would you stand by and do nothing. Would you contact them? Go see about them? Would you sit in silence and hope someone else reaches out to them because you don’t know what to say
or how to respond? It is disheartening however, such an eye opener. You begin to think if was completely suicidal and I reached out for help and no one came to my rescue then I would have lost my life EVEN though I was asking for help. I was reaching out for a hand, a word, a hug etc…
Although I know it is not anyone’s responsibility to make sure I am ok. Even though I self-sacrifice for others, being invisible hurts nonetheless and it hurts even MORE after I have opened up to be transparent and I am left EXPOSED by people who I THOUGHT would cover me. (Be careful who you allow to see you emotionally, spiritually and mentally naked.)

Sidebar: Be careful about judging your trails and peoples responses to it too soon! Remember God is the master chess player, He knows which moves to make even when we do not understand. But we will talk about that shortly.)

I have never witnessed a true waring of spirits on the inside before until yesterday. It was very surreal for a lack of a better words. When I would close my eyes to try and escape what I was dealing with in the natural (which was an awful idea being that I am a natural thinker – we make dumb decisions when choosing or not choosing to deal with things), I’d literally hear scripture, the Word of God coming up and out of me and then I would hear some of the thoughts that were trying to consume me. And I didn’t have the energy to fight. I was exhausted, I was worn out, so I just laid there and cried.

I felt EXPOSED, I was emotionally and spiritually naked. I was wounded, and it hurt. At this point I didn’t know how to control my emotions, but my spirit continued to make intercession for me. My spirit man said no ma’am, you will get up from here, you will live and not die. You will declare the works of the Lord. You will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. You are healed, set free, whole and delivered. Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world. God has not given you the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. That when the enemy comes in life a flood it I must lift up a standard against him. But even as my spirit was warring on my behalf I laid there dormant…. Dormant and exposed.

I said but God I am uncovered, why didn’t anyone see me and grab me before I got to this place? This hurtful place, this painful place and it wasn’t until now that I gained an understanding of it. He couldn’t let anyone else rescue me because I needed to see Him in a different light. You see there are only some things that you will gain from a personal experience. A first-hand encounter! You won’t understand something in life unless you endure
it and hopefully you do it like a good soldier. Only then will you be able to understand why Paul said I want to know Christ in the fellowship of His suffering. Why Job didn’t curse God and die as he endured an attack on his family, livelihood and his heart. Why Abraham was willing to take the thing that he prayed and waited for up to the mount to sacrifice all for the glory of God. It’s something about going through a trail, through and experience that you gain insight on how your mind works, how your emotions are affected etc.… it’s not until then that you realize what perfect peace is, how God can stabilize you in the midst of chaos. He can stabilize you so much so that, you will be able to do as the writer said in Jeremiah 17:8 and be a tree planted by the rivers of water. Not only planted by the river BUT one that bears fruit in every season. That means no matter what the is going on around you and in you as long as your rooted and grounded in Christ, as long as He is your water source (the living water, the word of God) you will produce in all situations.

So, I felt exposed, uncovered and unnoticed but that was a slap in the face to Christ because He is my covering and He sees me, and He bore the weight of the world that I might live and not only live but walk in victory. Victory is not just depicted in the natural but victory in my emotions, mindset, and character. So, I felt uncovered, but I wasn’t, the fact that I am still here to tell about His goodness shows that He was there all along. Hebrews 4:15 reminds us “we have not a high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” So, that tells me that even when I feel like I am experiencing things on my own that I am not because God is in touch with the feelings of
my infirmities, my incapabilities, my weaknesses. Yet He still chooses to be with me EVEN until the ends of the earth.